Wednesday, 2 April 2008

6 oct 2003

a once upon?

sometimes i'm tired of living. then i think of some choice dengue moments and remind myself how i wanted to live, how i didn't want to die. why is that? It didn't seem as through death would be painful. The process of dying, maybe; the explosion in my head that was building and building: that would finally be silence and stillness and peace. I can imagine that moment: surely it must have its beauty and there can be no other moment quite like it, not even birth. I hope that death is birth backwards.

That's a reassuring thought., that's why we have reincarnation theories and religions. But. But. But. When I nearly died there was no flashing stream of my life's images before my eyes, there were no loved one's waiting there was no sign or tunnel or light. Just incredible pain unbearable pain and the knowledge that death not be amazing profound or even glamourous. I would just cease to be. i would no longer exist. One moment I would be alive, and the next I would be gone. Not even gone as in Elvis leaving the building (which implies that he went somewhere else.) I had the sense that it was an ending. Like the snuffing out of a candles flame. That flame will never exist again. That fire is gone.

Of course we can light the candle again and again but it is a new flame every time. It's not a renewal. What's burnt is gone. Atoms dots in the air specks here and there I know not where. All over. ALL OVER.

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