Tuesday, 29 January 2008

List: Deccan Delights

You know me (or maybe you don't, in which case I should add a few more words to this sentence), fragmented, compartmentalised, etc. If I hadn't just decided to combine all my blogs into this one, today would have seen the birth of a new blog. But instead, having seen the error of my ways, I will simply create a new category, "Lists" where I can store all the unnecessary information I find so necessary to compile together. Here's the first, a collection of delightfully odd headlines and copy, mostly courtesy of the Deccan Herald and other local newspapers.

1. "Stop sexual abuse of young girls by close relatives and other pests."

From an article I read--forget where. For some reason, I seem to be the only person who finds this funny. I guess most people think any sentence with the words 'sexual abuse' in it must not be laughed at. Perhaps one must be either a survivor or a grammarian to appreciate the delicate hilarity here.

2. "Renuka lacked issues."

And this is why Mallika (the infamous serial killer) "asked her to visit Kaiwara narrating her about the miracles of pilgrimage. Renuka agreed for it and left with Mallika...
Sadly, it was because this young woman was unburdened by emotional problems that she turned to Mallika, the infamous serial killer (Bangalore's latest claim to fame--she is India's first female serial killer; her modus operandi - befriend desperate people at temples, promise them deliverance, then poison and rob them). Mallika, in the process of correcting this problem for Renuka, fed her cyanide and killed her. I shall never again complain about all the issues that trouble my dysfunctional mind. Clearly, issues keep you alive. If Renuka had had some, she would never have turned to Mallika. She could have been sipping tea at an Askios meeting (or coffee at an AA meeting) instead of sampling cyanide.

Okay, I need to add a post-script to that for people who don't know Hinglish. What the reporter was trying to tell us was that Renuka was having trouble conceiving, she was sterile.

Another post-script:

3. "Man With Three Wives Hangs Self"

At the risk of sounding sexist, aren't newspaper headlines NOT supposed to state the obvious?

4. "Undertrial Hits Judge With Slipper"

Too delightful. Needs no explanation.

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