Although it is true that first loves may make us cry, let us not forget that first farts also often make us cry. And scare the shit out of us. So to speak. There are plenty of clips on YouTube that capture those terrifying moments in a baby's life: adorable little big-eyed munchkins, gurgling happily one moment and then startled out of their wits by their first experience of what will one day become a pretty ho-hum bodily function.
Oh you who have been dumped - and I've been there, too - know this! We survived the first fart. We can survive this, too. No one will stand around laughing at how cute your tears are. No one will gleefully retell the tale to your potential spouse one day when they first meet him (or her). Nor will the family erupt into hysterics around the dining table twenty, thirty or forty years from now (if they're like most family reunions, they'll be more likely erupting into farts after stuffing themselves silly). No one will immortalise your humiliation on camera and share it with millions of strangers around the world.
We survive these things, all of them: love, farts, oh and even family reunions. Cry your eyes out now, listen to your sad songs, and remenisce about the "perfection" of your first lover. For now. There will come a day when you will treat the memory of your first love with as much giggling as your first fart.
Even if you're masochistic enough to post a video-selfie of your current angst on YouTube today, it'll still just be a fond little embarrassment to look back upon one day, because the only other people who will click on that YouTube selfie will be another generation of equally lovelorn adolescents with raging hormones and incompletely developed brains.
Now you know. You'll be safe. You'll be fine. Aren't you glad you read this? So go get some chocolate or ice cream and have a nice day. This too will pass. Like the wind.
What I say and what you hear
