Evil thrives on fear
Like flesh-eating bacteria
Hungry for my soul.
If I am so close to God, if I place all my trust in Him (or Her, as the case may be), then where does all the fear come from? If I love God, why must I cry when someone dies? Why am I afraid of death? No answers right now.
I was watching a Christian preacher, Joyce Meyer, on Z Cafe the other morning. She mentioned how our fears are the way the devil keeps us in bondage. Her words have stayed with me as something to lean on when I feel a fear beginning to overwhelm me.
Tonight there was flesh-eating bacteria on Star World's Medical Investigation - ironically a program which promotes fear. I like to imagine this series is funded by American politicians of Rumsfeldian demeanour who own vast shareholdings with pharmaceutical giants.
Thursday, 22 December 2005
Tuesday, 20 December 2005
Denial.
"Money is the root - "
(Half a quote is a great way
to avoid the truth.)
It sounds so different from the whole quote: "Money is the root of all evil". We do this a lot, editing our truths so that we only have to see what we want to see, hear what we want to hear, and then pat ourselves on the back for getting it all so right. My two favourite examples are from the two religions that most influence my life.
One is the justification of multiple wives in Islam. "Have wives if you can treat them all equally and love them all equally - " is the bit that polygamous men latch on to. They forget that this line continues: BUT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO SO (i.e. love and treat them equally). In other words, DON'T. I'm reminded of a colleague who would zoom across junctions saying cheerfully, "What red light, officer?"
The second example is from the Bible. It sounds like a lovely sentiment: "Love thy neighbour - " but it seems to have become a catchphrase for people to justify codependency, and to negate the self, which is so soul-destroying. I think one's soul has to be full, overflowing with lifejoy before one can be a Jesus or a Mother Teresa or a saint. They didn't operate out of obligation or guilt. They were neither satiated nor deprived: they were at peace. Content. Satisfied.
And so when we're busy driving ourselves into the ground trying to play the martyr, we're doing the exact opposite of what that message is trying to tell us - Love thy neighbour AS THYSELF. We deserve as much care and respect as the other people in our life. God knows it, even if we don't.
(Half a quote is a great way
to avoid the truth.)
It sounds so different from the whole quote: "Money is the root of all evil". We do this a lot, editing our truths so that we only have to see what we want to see, hear what we want to hear, and then pat ourselves on the back for getting it all so right. My two favourite examples are from the two religions that most influence my life.
One is the justification of multiple wives in Islam. "Have wives if you can treat them all equally and love them all equally - " is the bit that polygamous men latch on to. They forget that this line continues: BUT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO SO (i.e. love and treat them equally). In other words, DON'T. I'm reminded of a colleague who would zoom across junctions saying cheerfully, "What red light, officer?"
The second example is from the Bible. It sounds like a lovely sentiment: "Love thy neighbour - " but it seems to have become a catchphrase for people to justify codependency, and to negate the self, which is so soul-destroying. I think one's soul has to be full, overflowing with lifejoy before one can be a Jesus or a Mother Teresa or a saint. They didn't operate out of obligation or guilt. They were neither satiated nor deprived: they were at peace. Content. Satisfied.
And so when we're busy driving ourselves into the ground trying to play the martyr, we're doing the exact opposite of what that message is trying to tell us - Love thy neighbour AS THYSELF. We deserve as much care and respect as the other people in our life. God knows it, even if we don't.
Monday, 12 December 2005
Dissociation.
Grief's easy to find.
Joy's harder to come across.
Rage plays hide 'n' seek.
I've spent much of my life dodging emotions. The past few years I've been getting in touch with them again. The past few months I've been INUNDATED with them. My little boat floats safely enough, but all around me the seas are rough. It's easier to dissociate than to respond to bad news, but I'm trying to stay around this time, instead of disappearing into my head; I want to be here even though I don't want to be here.
Joy's harder to come across.
Rage plays hide 'n' seek.
I've spent much of my life dodging emotions. The past few years I've been getting in touch with them again. The past few months I've been INUNDATED with them. My little boat floats safely enough, but all around me the seas are rough. It's easier to dissociate than to respond to bad news, but I'm trying to stay around this time, instead of disappearing into my head; I want to be here even though I don't want to be here.
Sunday, 11 December 2005
"There are cracks ...
Dear me! Twenty-one years after writing this, I read it and wonder why, if I could see inside myself and express my fears so clearly, why did it take me so long to do something about it?
There are cracks in my shell
Where the tears slip through
For I am a stone only to outward view.
I have fears and confusion and I am not strong.
I am too scared to pursue things for which I long.
Scared of failure and of rejection.
Scared that no one will see that my differences and quirks
Do not lessen me.
I have faith in myself but no faith in the rest.
It makes me sad to know that to be accepted
I must pass society's test.
My other choice is to be a freak.
The ones who are different and think for themselves must stay
Isolated
Because they are unique.
(written on Dec 8th 1984, 10.30 p.m.)
There are cracks in my shell
Where the tears slip through
For I am a stone only to outward view.
I have fears and confusion and I am not strong.
I am too scared to pursue things for which I long.
Scared of failure and of rejection.
Scared that no one will see that my differences and quirks
Do not lessen me.
I have faith in myself but no faith in the rest.
It makes me sad to know that to be accepted
I must pass society's test.
My other choice is to be a freak.
The ones who are different and think for themselves must stay
Isolated
Because they are unique.
(written on Dec 8th 1984, 10.30 p.m.)
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