Not quite done yet.

Found this half-finished doodle while tidying up. In more ways
than one, it's something I need to keep working on!

Better than the Beatles.

Every day I sing out loud to Beatles' songs while doing my daily
exercise. A few days ago, I came across a hugely offensive song,
and along with it, came to the sad realisation that my heroes
could buy into the patriarchal bullshit as easily as anyone else
(although fortunately John Lennon redeemed himself by
growing up:  he later said it was his least favourite Beatles song,
and the one he most regretted writing).

It's got a great beat, and a great tune, and what else - oh yes,
it totally glorifies an abusive relationship. I mean, seriously.
In real life, if anyone says these words to you, you  need
to make sure they're thrown in jail, or at least referred to
a psychiatrist, and if not that, then just get the hell away
from them, as far as you can go. And take the kids and pets with you.

Run For Your Life - by the Beatles
(click above to listen)

Verse 1:
Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl

Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or I won't know where I am

Chorus:
You better run for your life if you can, little girl

Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end'a little girl

Verse 2:
Well you know that I'm a wicked guy

And I was born with a jealous mind
And I can't spend my whole life
Trying just to make you toe the line

(Chorus ..)

Verse 3:
Let this be a sermon

I mean everything I've said
Baby, I'm determined
And I'd rather see you dead

(Chorus ..)

Naturally, I couldn't sing these horrendous lyrics, so I decided
to make some of my own. Changing the genders around was
no good, because that just sends it from misogyny to misandry.
But I finally put together a version I liked, inspired by
the ringleader of the infamous Delhi rape case, who was
a juvenile (17 years old) when he committed his crimes, and
so has to be judged under juvenile law, in spite of all the public
outrage, and his own family asking for him to be hanged.

They're not the world's best lyrics, but I think they're a slight
improvement on Run For Your Life. They can be sung cheerfully
by anyone, regardless of one's views on capital punishment. Here they are:

Stay in Jail - by me 

Verse 1:

Well, they’d rather see you dead, little boy

Than to see you out on bail

You better just stay put, little boy,

You’ll be safer in that jail.

Chorus:

You better stay in jail if you can, little boy,

Hide your head in the sand little boy

Catch you on the streets again

That’s the end’a, little boy.

Verse 2:

Everyone knows you’re a wicked boy

And you’ve got such a twisted mind

The country’s got better things to do

Than to make sure you toe the line

(Chorus..)

Let this be a warning,

You might wish you’d been hanged instead

The whole nation’s determined

And they’d rather see you dead.

(Chorus..)

I shall be testing it out in about half an hour when I go for
my walk. Feel free to sing along, wherever you are.

Fragile.

Yesterday, someone left a comment on my blog, describing it as "a soft, fragile place". It's made me look at my blog and at myself with a new perspective. You see, until she said this, I had never thought of it as something positive. I had equated "fragile" with "flaw".

I often feel fragile when I'm writing for this blog. I struggle with it terribly. Not the writing part, that comes easily enough, sometimes so easy that I wonder whose words those are that seem to just tumble down out of my fingertips onto the keyboard.

My struggle is with sharing what has been written. I am terrified of being judged, of being not good enough, or of sharing too much on a medium that we've all been warned about in terms of protecting our privacy. Scared of being seen as weak or over-emotional, or perhaps just stupid. Scared of being wrong, and of saying the wrong thing.

I'm also a child abuse survivor, who has learned over the past decade or so, that boundaries are important. Like all abuse survivors, I have had a great deal of trouble setting boundaries. We have a tendency to share our stories with the wrong people, give our trust and our bodies away far too easily, let people walk all over us, and believe that this is the right, or "noble", way to live. I have done quite a lot of work on this, and I now know that I do take much better care of myself than I did ten years ago, and on occasion even treat myself with as much respect as I do other people. But still, I sometimes worry that sharing my writing might be one more way in which I expose myself to the world, and again, risk victimisation or abuse.

On the other hand, as a writer, I know that words written down are ultimately meant to be read. I know that there is a gift here, and gifts need to be given. As a survivor, I also know that there is a great deal of shame felt by abuse survivors, and a huge need for the shame to be dispelled and the silence to be broken if we are ever to stop the crime from continuing. I am aware that most survivors will - and should - protect themselves and their privacy, that they need to think carefully about to whom, and when, to disclose their stories. But I also know that some of us need to speak out. Long ago, I decided I would be one of those, one of the ones who would try to "bell the cat".

So there's a constant struggle between what to share, and what not to. Where do I draw the line between what is too personal, and what needs to be heard by others? I am always afraid that I am doing it wrong.

Yesterday's comment by Chandan told me that perhaps I am not doing it wrong after all.