"Hunting for sanity ...

I guess I had realised at this point that I needed it not to get high, but just to stay sane. This poem makes me very very sad every time I read it. Dear, dear little me ..

Hunting for sanity,
searching empty vials, searching my soul
for answers I know don't exist.
When there's nothing left to look for,
where am I to go?

There's a castle in my mind
but the walls are wearing thin
so anyone can look in.
The rooms are empty, and echo.
There's incense in the air.
Everywhere.
A bittersweet aroma that I've grown to love.

There's someone wandering through these halls.
Can you hear her frightened calls?
She's lost, she wants to get things straight.
She knows the way out, she has the key.
Strange .. she looks a lot like me.
She only has to turn around
to get her feet back on the ground
but she's hunting for some sanity
scraping empty vials
though there's nothing left inside them
and her wishes won't come true.

So if you look me in the eye
try not to look behind my eyes.
You'll see grey stone and stormy skies
and pain I must keep hidden.

Should I lock the door and drop the key,
alone in my castle, just smack and me?

And the seaspray'll eat the wood away
and the lightning break the stone
till I'm out in the open and vulnerable
and feeling so very alone.
But I'll know where the walls once stood
and I'll trace my way along.

Out beyond the beach,
beyond the waves,
behind the sun
whatever I'm looking for is waiting for me.
If you come there you will see
footprints in the sand
leading to the sea
but you won't find me.

(written on Sept 26, 1985 at 11:12 a.m.

"Smiles are cheap ...

Dear me! Suicidal undertones, but I still kind of like this one.

Smiles are cheap,
and easy to fake.
Smiles hide so much heartache.
And all I need to hide the lies
Is a quickly woven veil thrown over my eyes.
It’s not deceit when my laughter
Pushes my conflict to the back of their minds.
My smile keeps them smiling,
And doesn’t let them in
On the fact that my plastic laughter
Is nothing but a death-wish grin.

(written on Sept 2, 1985 at 9:26 a.m.)

"Now I'm stoned ...

Dear me! I hope you didn't think I meant NOW. I'm not that kind of girl. Any more. This was back when I was a miserable teenager.

Now I’m stoned
Now I’m high
Now I know the reason why
The world goes round.
I hear the blue and see the sound.
And I feel happy,
And I feel gay
And I know that this is the way
This is the way to lead my life
To lie no more
To open a door and let my heart go
And show what I truly am.

21/3/85, Missouri, USA
(written in that code language I made up )

"Silent screams ...

Dear me! I wrote this minutes after I experienced heroin withdrawal for the first time. Collapsed with stomach cramps halfway down the red oxide staircase that isn't there any more.

Silent screams for a virgin's kiss
For a few hours of euphoric bliss
My daily dose of bitter happiness.

(Written at 11.52 a.m.
June 27, 1985 Bangalore, India)