Take a walk when the rain is gone

Take a walk when the rain is gone,
when the clouds hang uncertainly in the sky,
and the trees stand with bowed heads.
Soon the sun will return
and with a gentle hand
lift their faces up to him.
The earth breathes easily:
damp, challenged, refreshed,
and the evening sky speaks to me of heaven.

All around me is beauty born again and again.
When I am faced with my own frailty,
knowing this brings me some peace.
I shall have to die one day,
but the sky, the earth will thrill, will soothe other hearts.

I wish you shelter from the storm.
A warm mug of coffee, clasped in your palm.
Someone to love you, nestled
in the crook of your arm.
These are the things I wish for
you and everyman.

But may you also be content
to bear the brunt of a storm
or the dull dry weight of a windless day.
To take the bad for the good that may follow,
the hard that will with time be easy,
the cruel that might teach you to be kind.
May you take from life what you can.
Laughter and sunshine, thunderstorms and tears.

#

This poem was inspired about 25 years ago, by Daniel Day Lewis (yes, "Lincoln", and no, I don't actually know him personally). On my first and only and absolutely fabulous holiday to London, my friend Akila took me to the National Theatre to see Shakespeare's Hamlet. Lewis played the title role. He was brilliant. He BURNED. And then two days later, it appears, he burnt out:  collapsing on stage and having to retire to recover. When I heard about this, I felt such pain, huge waves of it. I'm still not exactly sure why. And then I sat down and wrote this poem.

P.S. This is a reworking of the original (from Dec 13th, 1989!), that I did tonight.

The shortest, and the saddest.

Prayer

To be free.
To forget,
As you forgot me.

(written for B, 6 May 1989, 12:37 p.m.)

"Now that it's night ...

Now that it's night
You can let your fears out
The darkness will cover your scars
You can pull off your mask
And breathe free at last.

You can straighten your shoulders
Stick out your chest
Tuck in your stomach
And walk like the rest
(As you'd like to, by day.)

You can smoke all your pot
You can drink all your booze
To try keep your mind off your Freudian blues
You can lie down and wait for your dreams to come true
But watch out, cause they sneak in a nightmare or two.

You can't look in the mirror
You hate what you see
so you go for a walk
And pretend that you're free.

And you look at the moon, the stars and the clouds
But you're not man enough yet to cry out aloud
Though you know that the morning
is just a different kind of night -
And if you don't remove the shutters
You won't see any light.

(Jan 21st 1987, Madras, at Mardi Gras).

"Where do all the dead babies go ..

Where do all the dead babies go?
In some bright garden my son runs free
Laughs and plays with all the others
that were never meant to be
I wonder if he remembers
Gently stirring in my womb before -
And if it hurt him as much as it hurt me, or more?
I want him never to know, never to miss
A mother's touch, a mother's kiss.
For one day I may hold his sister or brother,
But he can never have another mother.

(Written on Jan 17th Sat. 1987, 9:50 pm.)

In case you are wondering, I have never been pregnant.

"The pain ..

The pain in my heart
Echoes the pain in my womb
Dark drops of blood
Mime the tears I'm not supposed to cry
I'm lonelier than I was before
Would you have looked like me?
Or did you have his eyes?
One day I shall show your little sister
All the things I was waiting to show you
Teach her the songs you were going to sing
Call her name and think of yours
That only you and I know.

(Written on 29/11/86)

After reading the comment that followed this, I felt I ought to clarify that I've  never had a  miscarriage, and never been pregnant.

"All These Tears ...

Oh I am so glad I grew up. Young people reading this, please know: LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS. This is just desperate codependent angst-ridden obsession. I can't believe I actually thought like this once.

All these tears just beneath
the surface
are waiting to break through
if I'd only let them flow
if I could only let you go

But I've sworn to stay beside you
Even if you turn away
And if I have no tomorrows
At least I have had today.

I can cling to my dreams
As I cling to you now
And my dreams may never come true
But at least I have loved you

Everything has a price
And I am quite willing to pay
I would not exchange my
grey tomorrows
For the moments of ecstacy and sparkle of today.

( 9/86)

Death doesn't scare me any more

At first glance, you may think it is depressing, but this poem is about hope. I think it is incredible that I was able to look ahead with hope at this point of  my life, having gone through what I had.

Death doesn't scare me any more
I already know what hell is
And heaven may not be so good
But it'll be better than this

So this is life
Out of the hell of heroin
Suspended somewhere between then and now
Until I start again

Start living, start giving,
Stop lying, stop crying,
No more hate or despair
No lifeless body swinging in the air

Dreams coming back to life
Plans pulled out of the dust
'Cause when you want and need a future
You have to free the feelings you suppressed

I'm tired of their stares
And of all the sly, knowing grins
I'm sick of those dead eyes in my mirror
And bones barely veiled by my skin

But you have to cry before you can laugh
And you have to wade thro' the mire and stench
Before you can see the sparrows and smile ...
It just takes a little while.

Written on March 21, 1986, Friday, 8:58 pm. I was 20 years old.